theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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