Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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