you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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