barbara walters just said penis...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
