I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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