the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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