I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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