I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
