sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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