how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
