time to smoke my breakfast
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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