Someone shit on the floor
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
