You're my little dorito
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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