He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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