Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize