I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
