if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
