worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I could have mohawked her pubes.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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