Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
