I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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