meet me or not, i'm out of control
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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