I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
