i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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