Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
