I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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