I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
