sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
