Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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