i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
