I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Drunk is not a location!
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
