I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
