I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
