Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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