so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize