My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
