just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
