I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
