i may or may not be watching the land before time
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Let's paint friendship bongs
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
