Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
