Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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