He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
