i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
