I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
