I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
