My first STD was from a foam party
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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