just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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