I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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