i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
