Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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