i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
