I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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