I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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