I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
