so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
