Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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