when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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