And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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