I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
